Everyone has some areas or arenas in their life where they’ve made mistakes or been very disappointed with the end results of a situation. For me, there are two such areas, and in those two particular areas, I’ve seen failure after failure, with seemingly, no end in sight. So I began to give up.

When I say I began to give up, this means that I began to shut down any idea or any hope that I could ever achieve happiness regarding these two areas of my life. I actually got more reclusive as a result of my decision to give up. It was as if these two areas of my life encompassed my entire life, and I had nothing left to give. I didn’t sit around worrying about it, although, no doubt, I had done some measure of self-debate for years that could be quantified as worrying. I just figured I’d never conquer this area; never have a real victory in this particular arena, and stopped making any effort towards it. I stopped walking in faith in those two areas.

Something came to my attention a few weeks ago that I thought was interesting. I guess it was phase one of recognition on this issue. Someone that was preaching at my church said that the word worry has an old English root meaning “strangle.” My mind went instantly to weeds, and the trees of the mind theory.

I mean after all, grown trees don’t get strangled by weeds. They are already strong and have taken root. But the saplings, those new thought trees struggling to grow into maturity; those areas of our faith where we are fighting to hold on…those new trees of hope are the ones that the weeds can choke and strangle. It’s those areas of failure where we have to get back up and try again; where we have to see our failure as an opportunity for growth and a lesson God needed us to learn; those areas which have been tested, require new faith and can be strangled by worry; by despair, and that despair can kill your faith.

The preacher, who mentioned this strangling aspect of worry, said that in order to give your total trust to God, you have to read the word and believe. Ok. But that is not the issue, at least, not for me. I read the word, and I believe it what I read in it. The issue is not believing it. The issue is application of it. I mean honestly, I don’t see any of the biblical characters experiencing the exact same thing I’ve experienced in these two areas, so application then becomes something of a needle in a haystack. You get little bits at a time, and then your mindset starts to change. So still, it’s a process situation that you have to go through.

For instance, in Jesus’ time, there was this rabbi, Nicodemus, that was curious. Another of our pastors taught on this and it was very informative. Nicodemus was part of the largest religious, political party-the Pharisees. He was a ruler of the Jews, being part of the highest Jewish counsel of that time. He was a scribe, an expert in the law, student of the word, teacher of the law, and very religious. He was among the group that led in plans to kill Jesus, however, he was curious.

The book of John, chapter 3, verses 1-21 details a discussion that Nicodemus had with Jesus, after he went to him discreetly at night to ask some questions. Again we see Nicodemus in verses 32-53 of John chapter 7. In this time frame, the chief priests have sent men to take Jesus, and after Jesus speaks, many believe he is the Christ, but question his origins, coming from Galilee.

When the priests ask the men why they didn’t take Jesus, they answer that they’ve never heard anyone speak like him. Nicodemus is the one that asks the assembly if the law judges a man before knowing what he has done. Here, he was showing signs of belief, because clearly he was questioning everything he had known up to that point. He was questioning his life and what he had learned. So he has grown from being curious to doubting himself when faced with the truth.

In John 19:38-42, it was Nicodemus that was with Joseph of Arimathaea, who had asked for Jesus’ body. It was Nicodemus who brought the spices; a mixture of myrrh and aloe about hundred pounds of it, to dress Jesus’ body and wrap it for burial. The time frame between when we first saw Nicodemus being curious and this point was about two years. At this point, he was convinced. He had had enough time, and apparently had witnessed enough things to be convinced. What would convince you? And, how much time do you think it would take for God to build up enough trust in you to be convinced about that issue that you are still wavering on?

For instance, I have one of those big, back-supporting, armchair-shaped, back cushions that I typically place against the wall in my bed when I’m getting ready to use the laptop. I then further line it or enhance it’s support, with two pillows that I stand upright or length-wise, and another smaller cushion from the living room.

Furthermore, once I alight onto the bed and scoot all of this back into the farthest corner, I sit on the bed, leaning back in cushioned comfort to type or use the laptop, having two more pillows on either side of me for arm support, and an additional cushion under the laptop on my lap.

I tend to get into this position either early in the morning when I’m typically writing, or late in the evening when I’m typically relaxing. I’m all the way at the back of the bed, with my feet barely to the edge of the opposite side, so basically, I’m fully locked into position to relax and focus on whatever writing or activity I may be doing on the laptop.

I guess you could call this a routine, because I usually try to ensure that everything that I will need is within reach; for instance, my water bottle is right next to me on the window sill. If I’m watching the T.V. in my room, I have the remote controls at hand, sitting next to me on the bed. My wrist guards, thumb drive case and glasses are within reach on my end table. I try to prepare for every necessity, so that I don’t have to get back up and disturb my comfort zone.

So when I have discovered that I’ve left a vital object or piece of information outside the boundaries of my preconceived comfort zone, its annoying, because then I have to get up, messing up the covers and the stack of pillows I’ve placed so carefully for extra cushioning, as well as whatever else I’ve got near at hand. Everything gets shifted in that moment to accommodate the movement that it takes to move maybe only a few steps across the room to grab whatever I’ve forgotten.

It’s like being in an oversized chair. Ever sat in one of those? It’s like a giant’s chair, so large that two average sized people could lounge in it at once, and still, their legs would never reach the ottoman or the edge of the chair, for that matter. They could have even a few children on their laps in this chair, and everyone would be sitting in comfort. And, this chair is so super cushioned, that you never want to get out of it.

It takes some effort to scoot your tush across the length of that chair just to get your feet dangling off the edges, before you can even attempt to get out of it. This is what I’m talking about. Once you get this settled, you just don’t want to move; you don’t want to upset the flow of the comfort you feel, and thus, such movement is resented. It’s annoying.

Now, I gotta tell you, I intended to start this off on a different track, but apparently, God’s got other ideas, and He wants me moving in this direction. Am I happy to tell you the depths of the laziness I sometimes feel? Not particularly. However, this is where the flow is going, and I gotta roll with it.

You see, my point is about complacency. It’s just so easy to get in this place because we are such a comfort oriented society. We view the idea of “work” as hard, or as something to be avoided. But I’m saying all that, to bring out one of my frequently visited topics on perspective, because you see, everything is a perspective issue. Once you realize that, and learn to adjust yours accordingly, you’ve got half the battle won.

For instance, a few weeks ago, one of my favorite speakers, Sy Rogers was at my church. For those who don’t know who this man is, visit the link and check him out. He’s truly powerful in his ministry, and certainly, he’s very entertaining.

Anyways, I was thrilled to see him, because I had gone through a situation last year that I knew only he would understand. Not because it was similar to his issues, but because it related to the main scope of his ministry’s purpose.

I wanted an opportunity to speak to him and tell him what a help he personally was to me, in dealing with the issue that manifested in my life. The situation had some issues that I thought I had conquered, and it shocked me to find some of them raising their ugly heads again, and affecting me, knocking me down, (even temporarily) again, after what I deemed was 7 years of being clean in that particular area or issue.

Apparently, there was more mess God needed to draw my attention to and get cleaned up, than I thought prior to this situation manifesting itself, because I had gotten complacent in the idea that I had gained self-control in this arena. I mean, after 7 years; 7 being the number of thoroughness or completion; why wouldn’t I think I’d mastered something?

That is the fallacy of complacency though. When you think you’ve gained control over something, and you’ve managed to maintain that control for so long, you get relaxed, and that is when the enemy makes his move, and knocks you right back down in the dirt again.

The key to surviving this new wave of assault upon your person and walk, is to cling to God and not run away in the midst of your shame and guilt for being in the dirt; in this particular, thought-to-be-conquered muck yet again. And believe me, if you are a runner like I have been in the past, that is so easy to do. The only way that you can face God in the midst of your mess, is just to get bold.

I had to basically tell God, “Ok. I admit it. This problem is back. I can’t understand how I got caught up in this; how it snuck up on me, but there it is. And honestly, as sorry as I am that this has happened; as much as I know it hurts you, and as much as that fact hurts me; I can’t tell you that I won’t still be here tomorrow. I can’t tell you that this will go away any time soon. All I can do, is let you know how much I regret it and ask you to help me deal with it.”

I would cry daily; that’s how much I was aching over the situation. I was trapped because my emotions were affected, and to disconnect those would take some doing. So I cried every day for the first few months, because I was convicted. Knowing that my behavior demonstrated disloyalty to God and His word, bothered me a great deal; to the point of physical pain and discomfort due to guilt. I love Him so much, and hurting Him is the last thing I’d want to do.

The situation was so personal for me, and I was so busy wrestling with the guilt of it; I knew I could not process this via counseling at my church. I couldn’t trust the humanness of the ministerial staff, and I was not prepared to deal with any more condemnation than I was already heaping upon myself.

Sy became my “go to” guy; my spiritual guru, if you will, that I utilized to process the situation. Don’t get it twisted. God was right there in the midst with me and in the muck with me, giving me support and comfort while I wrestled with demons I thought were long dead. So during the times when I felt too ashamed to tell God everything, I told Sy, only Sy didn’t know I was telling him.

You see, I went to his website looking to contact him. However, his ministry demands do not make him so personally available, and I was disappointed to find that I could do nothing but contact counselors he had in place via the site. That was not going to work at all. I felt that Sy could understand my guilt better than anyone else could, considering what he’s wrestled with in his life, so I wanted him.

Since I couldn’t get him, I borrowed him instead. That sounds crazy, I’m sure, but he understood it immediately. You see, after the service, I went out to one of the tables where his ministry items were available and asked if he was coming out to the table, because I wanted to share this with him. I was told that he would not be available, because he would be going directly into another area of our church to minister to the college crowd; which is a typical thing our pastor does every Wednesday night after regular church service.

I was quite disappointed, but stayed at the other end of the table nevertheless, to purchase my chosen series from his ministry items. Now, I interrupt this flow momentarily, to point out the fact that God will always work things out for you that are within His will, and apparently, my speaking to Sy was one of those things He wanted to happen.

While I was standing there, waiting for the credit card machine to function right so that I, along with several people before me, could pay for our purchases; out walked Sy, right up to the table I was at. He passed right next to me, and I tapped him on the shoulder, and was able to tell him what a blessing he was to me personally.

Sy is like the king of “the process,” so he was thrilled to learn that I had been writing a daily journal of letters addressed to him, despite not being able to contact him. He recognized that these letters allowed me to process what I was going through and come out on the other side, correctly aligned with God once again. I told him that what I had written was potentially fodder for another book, which he liked, because he saw that I would use it to help someone else. I was able to give him my card with my book on it, and he took it and thanked me for letting him know. I was elated.

Gen 50:20     But as for you, ye thought evil against me; [but] God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as [it is] this day, to save much people alive.

Do not fear what this day, or any day, may bring your way. Concentrate on trusting Me and on doing what needs to be done. Relax in My sovereignty, remembering that I go before you, as well as with you, into each day. Fear no evil, for I can bring good out of every situation you will ever encounter.

Psa 23:4     Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou [art] with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

It’s funny. It’s a rare thing for me to allow circumstances in my life to freak me out or cause me serious worry. Most of the time, I’m pretty even keeled and relaxed because I know that God’s got me. Oh sure, I have some insecurities just like the rest of you, but what I’m saying is that the majority of the time, I am perfectly content, no matter what’s going on. I just don’t let it bother me because, look who’s got my back.

But, the few times that I am bothered; the few times that I do worry…I always am stressing myself for nothing. I always find that I say afterwards, “I don’t know why I was stressing’ over that.” Why? Because God always resolves the situation for me, and it is always in my best interest.

I don’t know who of you were around, back when I was talking about trees of the mind. My thought is, that these trees of the mind get diseased; they become a black hole or empty space in your mind when that tree is grown via expectations that are unfulfilled.

What I’m saying is that a healthy tree is fed via hope. That is, in my mind, what keeps our brain trees strong. And we have an entire forest in there; a Redwood forest, with trees that have centuries of information compiled and assessed in their rings. The trees are large and strong and beautiful. However, there are Blackwood forests too. Places known as “the bog” and so forth. It is those blackened, dark areas that I’m referring to.

It is one thing to have hope, but it is another entirely to have expectations. Honestly, I think expectations are based on pride. For instance, most people get married and expect that it will last forever. What’s that thought based on? Do you expect God to hold your marriage together when you don’t even pray daily? Do you even pray or spend serious time with your spouse, or do you allow the world and work and all those outside forces to gain so much entry that it diffuses any energy you have left to give your marriage?

What if you did pray? What if you married the wrong person in spite of your prayer life and it didn’t work out? Is that God’s fault, or were you making flesh based decisions and not waiting on the Lord for a definitive answer? How can I ask these questions of you? Cause I had to ask them of myself, and the answers weren’t what I wanted to hear or recognize.

So, if it didn’t work out, no matter how much you loved, or how hard you tried, is that God’s fault? And are you shattered? Have you taken a hatchet and chopped all those trees down by your attitude about that failure? Have you become your own worst enemy by allowing a failure to stop your growth? Trees are dying by the minute, and are you just sitting by idly?

Something is poisoning the trees, and if swift action is not taken, the whole forest will be lost. But God. You see, God can and will take any of our errors; any of what we deem as mistakes, and turn it around. It is only our perspective that makes them mistakes instead of misunderstandings. What did we misunderstand?

Well first of all, we had expectations instead of hope. Hope involves faith. Expectations involve work. We expect that after we have done this, this, and that, such and such will be the end result. However, we fail to realize that that assessment of the end result is self-centered. It is based only on me, myself and I as the sole variable, and does not take into account the feelings, hopes and concerns of others. It assumes that everyone else’s thoughts are the same as ours or run on a parallel…and what if they don’t? Are you going to fall apart or give up?

So in a world in which string theory exists (and you will follow this theory of thought if you’ve been following along in my recent posts), you think you stand alone. You think that within the “cube” you touch no other sides outside yourself. You connect with no other “cubes” within the universal multiplex cube of life.

You don’t interact with any other atoms on the string in the theory. You are your own atom on your own short little string; so small, in fact, that one almost can’t call it a string. It’s just a piece (of fluff).

You are an island, and your life does not connect with, nor interact with anyone else’s. Only you exist. You are god in your own you-niverse. You direct the flow, and no other people, circumstances or variables exist that might come up against that flow and possibly disrupt it, or divert it.

If that is the case, you are in darkness. The only way no other variable could exist to interfere with your will is if you were in a void. Honestly, anyone that thinks they have that much control over their life, is greatly deceived.

Jhn 16:33     These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.

Ok, so you failed. What’s the big deal? Look, we all hate failure because the world says we’re losers as a result of our shortcomings. But, how can I be a loser, when my failures help me grow stronger? You may kick me down in the dirt, and I may fall flat on my face, but do I have to stay there? No.

I may have to “rest” in humiliation for a few minutes, but it’s only going to help me get my bearings; it’s going to correct my perspective so that when I do finally rise from the dust, my focus has been adjusted, and my resolve is regulated towards improvement and change.

After all, I certainly wouldn’t want to go through that same experience again. I may repeat my error, but the scenario will be changed, and the variables different. The lesson may be the same, but it is only until I “get it.” Sometimes we need to be humbled. We need to come down off of our high horses, and get knocked to the ground just so we can see the perspective from down there, versus up wherever we think we are; the view from that place that we deem ourselves to be. Maybe that way, we will consider others and the view outside ourselves.

My failures open my eyes to things I was unaware of before, therefore, enhancing my knowledge and awareness. My failures not only help me to see, but others as well, so my failures can be a humanitarian tool. In addition, my failures get me closer to God, because I have to “seek” to find the answers, and what greater authority is there to seek answers from?

Isa 41:13    For I the LORD thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.

I think we fear failure because we fear being disrespected. But you know something? I can think of so many incidents where I feared the ridicule of others; their harsh criticisms and disapproval bothered me. It hurt really bad. But despite that, what got me through it was standing my ground and adamantly refusing to give in to their attempts at manipulation and control of me, no matter how much they mocked me.

I went through years of that. I struggled for respect. It was an issue in my family, with “friends,” with associates and co-workers. It was a big issue. But I was determined, even when I cried in private moments; that I was not giving in. I didn’t care if I wasn’t liked. All I wanted was respect. But what I discovered, was that in fighting so hard against giving in, I started to respect myself. I started respecting myself for not giving in, no matter how much they attacked my self esteem. That made me stronger, so that what they said and did, after a while, didn’t bother me.

Phl 4:13     I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

Oh sure. I had anger management issues for a while. Who wouldn’t be angry? Funny thing is, now I call all that my “wilderness experience.” It’s not like I breezed through this with a perfect attitude. But, what I lacked in self control, I made up for in resolve. The attacks, the adversity brought out the fighter in me. It activated and manifested a part of my calling that is in my name, which means “helper and defender.”

Besides that, I learned self-control in the process; call it an end-goal achievement. And what I got strengthened in, I got good at. One thing about me; I like to share what I learn, so I did. I started writing a newsletter for a union. I took that newsletter from a social rag that wasn’t getting any attention, to a worker’s rights advocate paper that increased the membership of that unknown, nondescript union by 200% in one year.

What did I talk about that garnered such attention? I taught them how to stand in the face of adversity. In fact, I taught them how to be ready for it; how to know what was coming; how to predict the movement of the enemy, and how to respond to it with smarts and grace. I altered their perspective by sharing some insight I gained while in the dust all those times.

No, my stress comes much closer to home. My stress is over my son. My stress is in cramming to get the summer virtual school done on time. One of my friends told me last week, “One day, when he graduates, he will look out in the audience and say, ‘I couldn’t have made it without my mom.’ I want to live to see that day.” I looked at her and said, “So do I.”

I really hate being behind the ball when it comes to anything related to school or school work, even if it’s not mine. I have always been the type to work ahead if I know what the teacher is doing. Somehow, I have to impress this upon my son, because falling behind is terrible and so stressful. This wasn’t his fault entirely. Our internet connection issues played a large part, and we fell behind after starting early as a result of the connection issue; but he could have been a bit more motivated. Yet I keep seeing this sort of thing:

You are on the path of My choosing. There is no randomness about your life. Here and Now comprise the coordinates of your daily life. Most people let their moments slip through their fingers, half-lived. They avoid the present by worrying about the future or longing for a better time and place. They forget that they are creatures who are subject to the limitations of time and space. They forget their Creator, who walks with them only in the present.

As you give yourself more and more to a life of constant communion with Me, you will find that you simply have no time for worry. Thus, you are freed to let My Spirit direct your steps, enabling you to walk along the path of peace.

The thing is, I haven’t forgotten about being subject to time and space limitations. If anything, that is more real for me today than at any other time in my life. I’ve actually moved more in the last year or so, towards slowing down; towards refusing to rush, and refusing to allow outside, technology and societal influences about time issues affect me. This is why this situation is so bothersome.

I had managed to appreciate the fact that God moves outside of our time sphere, and I was attempting to focus on Him to the point of being unconscious about time issues. I was content to wait on Him.

Therefore, the fact that other people kept questioning me about being unemployed was not bothering me. It was the same when my last car died, and people became aware that I had no transportation. They would ask me, “Have you gotten a car yet?” as if there was a rush simply because having one is a major necessity for most people.

However, I was not worried about the stressed immediacy of needing a car. I am not worried about the stressed immediacy of getting a job. On both of those issues, I’m not worried because I know that God is my provider. He will open the right doors of opportunity for me to produce income when He’s ready, just like He did to get me the virtually new car I am now driving.

My son is another issue altogether. Don’t misunderstand me. It’s not that I don’t trust God with my son, but as his only parent (his father was never in the picture after the divorce and he has since passed), I have the sole responsibility to lead and direct him. When I see him getting off course, it concerns me, even sometimes, I admit it, to the point of worry. When I say worry, I’m not talking about sitting around fretting. I’m talking about thinking too much; I’m talking about wrestling with ‘what can I do,’ or ‘how can I help him’ type questions. In this case, the most prevalent question is ‘how can I motivate him’? Then I get this:

2Cr 4:18  While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen [are] temporal; but the things which are not seen [are] eternal.

Do not search for security in the world you inhabit. You tend to make mental checklists of things you need to do in order to gain control of your life. If only you could check everything off your list, you could relax and be at peace. But the more you work to accomplish that goal, the more things crop up on your list. The harder you try, the more frustrated you become.

There is a better way to find security in this life. Instead of scrutinizing your checklist, focus your attention on My Presence with you. This continual contact with Me will keep you in My Peace. Moreover, I will help you sort out what is important and what is not, what needs to be done now and what does not. Fix your eyes not on what is seen (your circumstances), but on what is unseen (My Presence).

I do make mental checklists, but how else am I going to even begin to manage the mess of my life? I need structure. I’m not the most organized person. I’m an artist. So any bit of organizational effort I make is absolutely necessary to put some structure in the picture, because I’m not the type of person that plans every moment. I’m more spontaneous than anything else. I tend to wing it.

The only time I seem to have a plan is when I consult God with prayer in the morning, and then I know what needs to be done and in most cases, because its His will, it flows that way; or if there’s some change, I’m able to flow with it. Otherwise, I’m like a car that is driving without a steering wheel. And my inconsistencies magnify themselves in my son.

In fact, since the issue with him is hereditary, and I’ve now connected the dots with behaviors of other members in my family in varied degrees, I think that it was just the mix of my DNA with his father’s that jumped it up to the umpth degree and full-blown manifestation of this issue in my son. I mean, obviously, I’m somewhat scattered, so that’s a mute point.

However, I’m seeing a bit of improvement in my son since the dietary changes started. He is certainly more calm, and I see a bit more maturing now. He looks more like a young man, versus a little kid, because he’s not bouncing off the walls in his energy levels now. He’s more even keeled, so that’s good. To get him to focus more on what he needs to do, perhaps I do need to look to the unseen.

In the course of all this discovery going on lately, I’ve realized that the old methods of punishing him are ineffective, but one new method works. Not that my son is particularly doing anything that merits punishment, but it’s the theology of it that I’m now looking at.

Perhaps the best method of motivation lies in deprivation. This would involve denying things that are typically available and ideally, that lack would initiate some action in order to get it back. Things that are unseen. In other words, if I remove all forms of distraction, particularly in the realm of media, until there is nothing else to focus on, perhaps I can get a more focused, motivated child; at least, until we get through this last push to complete this virtual school stuff. Methinks I’ve got a plan. Thank God.

2. Sacrifice is a part of life. It’s supposed to be. It’s not something to regret. It’s something to aspire to. Little sacrifices. Big sacrifices. Sometimes when you sacrifice something precious, you’re not really losing it. You’re just passing it on to someone else. You made one. I made one. We all make them. But you were angry over yours. You kept thinking about what you lost. But our eyes are different. What you see ain’t what I see.

“All the atoms in between this side of the string and that side of the string, are all steps; they’re all levels that you need to complete to get to the goal you have set…your heart’s desire.”

My son grimaced at me. “I hate it when you make a point,” he said.

“Let’s say,” I continued, smiling, “that this first atom represents the levels you’d have to go through to complete elementary school, and all the learning you needed from the cradle to that point. This next atom,” I said, as if I could actually see it, “represents all the challenges, new information, emotional and physical changes you will go through to complete middle school. Each one is a step or level to complete.”

“Let’s look at this like a cube,” I told him. “If you had a graft, it has millions of little squares going up and down and then side to side. If you took a square graft like that, and put it side by side, it’d take four sides  and two for the top and bottom to make a cube, right?”

“Yeeeaaah,” He said slowly.

“Ok, and then to really make is a 3 dimensional cube, those lines in the grafts would have to be running up and down and across all sides of those squares like toothpicks. So there’d be a bunch of little cubes on the inside of the cube, right?”

“Riiiight,” He said slowly again, trying to assess where I was going with this.

3. “So why am I here?” He said. “I mean, your story, the fire, it all happened before I was born.”
“Things that happen before you are born still affect you,” she said. “And people who come before your time affect you as well. We move through places every day that would never have been if not for those who came before us. Our work places, where we spend so much time-we often think they began with our arrival. That’s not true.”

“Now,” I said, “Each cube represents a level and a dimension. When you pass from one of these mini cubes to another within the cube, you are not only changing levels of achievement, but remember that each cube touches and intersects with another cube. There are levels up, down, sideways and across. Each represent a different atom or level on a string within the cube that is your environment, and ultimately yet another string.

If you seem to be on one level and become dissatisfied with the level you are on, because you think you aren’t moving fast enough to another level you think is above where you are; just remember that that cube can be flipped and you’d be in the same place. The perspective on where that place is will appear different just because of new eyes. Nevertheless, you still have to reach that one cube/atom/string that represents the place your heart desires.”

“If you try to move from this end of the string or cube,” I motioned to the left hand, “to this end of the string or cube,” I motioned again with my right hand, “without going through all the atoms/mini cubes in between, it will not stand. You cannot skip steps. You can’t jump atoms or avoid cubes. What’s meant for you is meant for you and the lessons in between are necessary for you to learn to reach your appointed end goal.

“If you were to jump from where you are now, directly to your end goal of electrical engineering, you’d be rejected at that level because you did not gain the knowledge you needed from all the levels in between. Your knowledge level won’t support your end goal, and you would lose your dream. You follow me?”

My son nodded affirmatively. “But I still hate it when you make a point,” he said again. I laughed.

4. Learn this from me. Holding anger is poison. It eats you from inside. We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves.

At this point in the book, the main character encountered his father, long since deceased, and learned some things about why his father did certain things. He learned some things about his father’s past that he never knew. Then his eyes were opened and his perspective changed.

It made me think back about people that have passed through my life. I had come to the conclusion that everyone is temporary. I concluded that I cannot count on having anyone as a permanent fixture in my life because they will always disappoint or do something that harms me at some point in time, and at that point, will exit my life.

5. Love is still love. It takes a different form, that’s all. You can’t see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it. Life has to end. Love doesn’t.

Some of the people I have allowed to exit my life unhindered, I still care about. I thought about the pain they caused me. I thought about the possibility of reconnecting because most of them to my knowledge, I had already forgiven. But I realized that they feel like strangers to me.  They might greet me like everything was the same, but I’d still have a sense of unease. I don’t quite know how to overcome that.

With some of them, it’s been too long. What do I have in common with them anymore? How can trust be established? With some, the predominant memory is the one when they caused the harm that caused the separation in the first place. I’m not mad anymore or even hurt anymore. But that is the last memory, and the freshest. In not having these individuals in my life for whatever time period they’ve been out of it, I haven’t invested much thought time on them. I’ve been living my life. Therefore, some of the memories have died. All I can do is love the positive things I used to know about them. Since I don’t know if they are still that same person, or if they have changed as I have undoubtedly changed since knowing them.

Supposed to be there. Supposed to be here. Entries and exits. Gains and losses. All supposed to be. The issue is not what comes and goes in my life; in anyone’s life. The issue is how we respond to it. We respond according to what we see. What we see ultimately affects our perception and alters what we believe. What we believe is what guides our decision making and directs the path of our life.

I could never not be where I’m supposed to be. The only thing I could do that would cause me to think I’m not accomplished in my life is the false perception that my life is of no consequence or effect upon anyone else’s. And the thing is, whether we know it or not, we affect millions of people every day, every minute, every hour of our lives. We cross paths and intersect lives, and someone is helped by our presence.  We are all of great value; to God and to life.