After I finally became convinced that I had Him in my life (this was in my early 20′s), I still never recognized that He really loves me and accepts me just as I am, in spite of myself. So I still had the same relational, or relationship issues as before because I really didn’t believe I was lovable. I never had total acceptance at home, and I was a runner; meaning that in my relationships, at the first sign of problems, I bolted. I figured I’d do an exit before my feelings got hurt, or the person decided to completely reject me for whatever reason.

You always hear that God loves you…God loves everyone, but that’s sort of a generalization that we constantly hear. For someone to hear that and accept it is way different than accepting that personally about yourself. To put that into first person gives it a different resonance, and sometimes applying the hope and promises of God is difficult for the conscious mind to accept, especially when you think that you have to be worthy. When you are dealing with institutions and exposed to information from those institutions that dictate “obedience” as its foundation in all it’s teachings and instruction, then you come to believe that when you fail or fall short of that, you are not earning the right to have God’s love and acceptance. In that situation, guilt and shame can cause you to deem yourself as unacceptable,  or unworthy of anything from God, and you might see uncontrollable situations in your life as evidence of this thought.

Since I recognized that I was a sinner, and in this imperfect earthly body, I was incapable of “cleaning up my act,” I guess I basically felt that I could not or would not ever be able to earn God’s complete love because I just couldn’t get it together. I didn’t understand that I could do nothing without Him, because I don’t have control of anything. I didn’t understand that God’s love is limitless, number one, and is not based on works, number two; which basically means that it doesn’t matter what I do, or how I fail or fall short. What matters to God is what I believe…He’s more interested in my faith.

Of course, we are required to strive towards the mark of being more Godlike in our attitudes, thoughts, and behavior; to transcend our earthly existence, ushering in the kingdom of God into the earth. However, this requirement is not the most important thing to God. He’s more interested in and concerned with relationships, and especially, our relationship with him. He doesn’t want us to put up walls or keep our distance when we fail and fall short. He doesn’t want us to have a spirit of judgment. Having this spirit causes contentions with others and breeds guilt and shame in ourselves. He wants to restore us to Himself and others, and does not want us to run from Him because of guilt or shame due to some situation that we didn’t handle well.

It actually took a former friend to convince me. It’s funny that she was the person who accomplished this feat…convincing me that God loves me, because she would later walk away from me in judgment because I failed to rise to or maintain her expectations of me in a certain situation. She contradicted her own testimony with this judgmental position. Fortunately for those who believe, God will not leave you because you fail to meet His expectations, because it is our faith that saves us, not what we do or our works. I think that was my deep-seated fear…that He would leave me because of something I may do that doesn’t line up with His word. When I discovered that  He really loved me unconditionally, and would not ever leave me; when I realized that He would always love me and really cares about what I believe no matter how much I may fail Him as a sinner, I was sold. I absolutely fell in love with Him, and He’s been the most wonderful blessing of my life ever since.