Hi All,

It’s that time of year again….and let me just start off by saying welcome to the people visiting me from all over the world. I was pleasantly surprised recently, in checking my footprints, to find not only visitors from various and even remote areas of Asia such as Malaysia, but recently, Turkey, and shockingly, the Russian Federation.

So here’s the real question. What would your New Year’s Resolution be if 2008 was your last year on earth?  That puts a different spin on things doesn’t it? This was a question my pastor posed last night in his sermon.

For me…that is something definitely needs thought, because since I don’t typically make New Year’s resolutions…it comes at me a little bit differently… not from a New Year’s perspective, but simply from a life or death one. For me, seeing as how I’m trying to live my life a day at a time with God, and have gotten out of the practise of trying to figure everything out….(mind you, I’m not saying I don’t try sometimes, but really, I’m saying that I’ve stopped trying to second guess God, and interfere inadvertently as a result) I really don’t attempt to look that far into the future. However, the prospect of only 1 year would adjust the picture somewhat.

Right now, you haven’t seen me for a while because I have been attempting to get schooled on and set up an online business. I have been focused on this because once it is set up…its pretty much self-sufficient with the computer doing the majority of the work for me, and I’m only required to check on the system once or twice in a week, yet I will get paid.

I’m so focused on it, not because I’m so eager to get paid for greed’s sake, but because I want my time freed up so I can do whatever God is calling me to, AND…so I can have more time to devote to my bible studies without having household/financial matters as a concern. This is not a get rich quick scheme, and certainly, I don’t even imagine getting rich from this, although I’m sure some in it do. My goal is only to support my household so I can go and do for God…so I can work for Him.

I feel that this system I’ve been exposed to is definitely God given, because of the type of system it is…in that it can be used to advertise virtually anything I want, and Anyone I want.  I see greater potential in this system than the current use I am learning, therefore, I know that this is a door God opened.

Thursday, I was surprised to find that someone had responded to my resume and contacted me.  I mean, its not like I was out there blazin’ a trail on the hunt for a job. I pretty much left that to God and have only been doing my required searches for the state. So I emailed this guy back late that night, stating that I needed directions to his office, but then went online and actually found it. I called Friday, since he had asked in the email if I could come in this week, and I’m thinking Friday is the last work day…I should go then. He asked to see me yesterday, so I went then.

I actually thought it was one of the best job interviews I’ve ever had. First of all, I’m not desperate to land a job, because I’m confident that God will provide, and I feel He already has in this online system I’m working on. Therefore, my prayer before I left was…”Lord, I don’t know if this is what you want for me at this time, or if this is the job you want me in, but if it is, I believe you will get this job for me at the salary I’ve requested.” Basically, I’m pretty nonchalant about whether I land the job or not, because either way as far as I’m concerned, it will be His will, so if He doesn’t want me in this job…but to stay working from home, He will confirm it with a nonacceptance; and if He wants to move me into this position, I will get it at the salary requested. I’m happy with either decision.

Therefore, when I went into the job, I really wasn’t nervous at all, despite the fact that the owner could not find my resume. I just told him that I was not at all surprised by that because of providence. When he said he didn’t know what this meant, I stated that I believed that if God wanted me there to be interviewed, He would get me there with or without a resume. 

So I just answered his questions without fear…telling him why I was let go from the last job…figuring that my previous boss sensed my discontent. I mentioned the three things I felt was lacking…respect, opportunity and compensation. I told him outright (for the first time in any interview) what salary I wanted, as well as what my skills were.

He tested those skills, and watched me work to see if I knew certain things…shortcut keys etc; he asked about the printers and if I knew printing setup; he wanted to see concepts, so he gave me about 7-9 images and told me to create a postcard for him about the caribbean. He seemed to like what I did. He checked my portfolio, and did some figuring on the salary amount I wanted, then told me he was doing a few more interviews and would let me know on Monday. It was cool.

So I said all of that to say this…my days are one at a time, and had I not been let go from the last job, and been home like this…I might not have reached that state of ease and confidence in God. I like being in this place. I’m not sure that I want to return to a full time job, but if God opens that door, I will go, because I trust in Him and I know He has plans to prosper me…plans for my good. This is why I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions…because I’m not trying to plan my life…I want His plans for my life.

The thing about this job that I like is the opportunity for creativity in a different direction than the last job…plus…I’ll be using photoshop to manipulate images… which I’m pretty good at, and I like doing. Actually…I’ve been doing that quite a bit lately…flexing my creative muscles in making my ads for this system I’m working on. I’ve created about 30 ads already, and I’m now learning other aspects of the system so that I can get the ball rolling.

This has also got me thinking about redoing the site design here…the background. I love my fishes, but maybe its time for a change….so I might start working on that, because actually…I’ve gotten an idea for it.

If I had only one year left…I would be a lot more focused on spending time with family…my son especially, and close friends, and letting them know how much I love them and how much our relationship has meant to me in my life. I would not be concerned in any way with money except for the care of my son and would want to make sure all arrangements for his care were met. I’d also make sure the burial arrangements for my body were taken care of because I wouldn’t want to burden anyone grieving with that. Outside of that…I’d do whatever God required of me within the scope of my physical ability to do so.

Even now…I wonder what lasting legacy I can claim if I were really facing the prospect of one year left. What I mean is…could I say that my life was worthwhile? Could I say that I had lived it to its fullest extent? Would my life have demonstrated God enough? I think the answer to the last one is…privately…personally…yes, but publicly…no. In other words…do I think I’ve had an effect on anyone else for God? Personally on my friends and associates…yes, but to the public at large…not enough.

I say that because I believe that I’m supposed to be a published author of works for the kingdom of God. That has yet to occur…so in that light, I feel that all the information and wisdom that God has shed and/or enlightened me with…has not been extended forth to the fullest extent that it should be. I’ve always felt that information and knowledge was to be shared and not hoarded, and have always been willing to share whatever I learn. But, despite what I have shared in this forum, I still feel there is much more God wants me to put out there…and I am waiting on the doors to open for that to occur. So if my life ended at the end of 2008, and this had not yet occurred, I would feel that my mission was incomplete.

In addition, although we do not know the hour or the day…there are many things God has shown me…things He wants for me to do that I’m astounded by. Things that make me wonder because in my eyes in comparison to the visions…I am but one little ant, and we know it takes a colony. I can’t even see how that colony might be brought together, since I struggle with the idea of getting into a home fellowship group with people I do not know.

I struggle with stepping outside of my circle of friends in a group setting and “sharing.” This is not comfortable ground for me, and it seems I’m always resistant to the idea of that for the first few weeks of any such group meeting or class in which a group like this is formed, because its usually a group of women. I’ve always had issues with groups of women…usually because they’ve had issues with me. Also…it annoys me somewhat to get into such a group and hear married women complain about their trials and tribulations, when I’m thinking…”Ok…try all that without the support and financial backing of a husband who doesn’t require you to work, and then I’m willing to hear you complain.”

I remember the first few weeks I did our deep faith classes…and I’m sure Jay remembers the first time he met me there too. I came in to sign up draggin’. I was in whinin’ mode, complaining to God that I was only there because He wanted me there, but I really didn’t want to do it. It was in this state of self pity that I met Jay. He still laughs about it to this day. I also encountered my group of women in the same manner. I was quite unresponsive. I did not want to talk about anything or contribute any comments to the subject being discussed. (I know some of yall think that’s funny, considering how much I ramble on in here. )

It took about 3-4 weeks in to the classes…once I discovered that I had some misconceptions about some women in the group…and finding that I had some similarities with them…that I opened up and got involved. And you know, honestly, I don’t know why I react this way to (particularly) women’s groups. I guess the suspicion comes from the fact that I was oftentimes the subject of malicious attacks from women, particularly in the workplace. Since I was a child…I was always dealing with jealous, spiteful females, and therefore, have always been much more comfortable in the company of men.

But I’ve noticed that even the idea of mixed company in the home fellowship groups is a turn off to me if I don’t know anyone from prior acquaintance. The idea of going to someone’s home that I don’t know…it just doesn’t work for me. And it’s really not a matter of not wanting to be connected. I’ve always felt like a wallflower at any social outing where I didn’t know anyone. I’m not like my friend Gail, who walks up to and starts conversations with anyone about God…saved or not. I’m totally in awe of her, but that’s just not my approach.

In addition…time is a factor, and I think I would feel obligated…once I attended a particular group. What if I don’t like the group or what’s being studied? I’m not really sure how that is handled if I decide I’d like to try a different group or subject. Funny thing is…I signed up to co-lead a group, and I have all these issues with groups. Seriously…I’m ok with being a bit reclusive…is it really obvious?

I have a feeling this is one of those things God is going to try to break me out of…maybe in this year. And then…how can I say that if 2008 is my last year on earth…and that I don’t feel I’ve had enough of a public effect, if I’m so reluctant to reach out to people? Its a sad state of affairs, I know. And I think this is something God is trying to work out in me…seeing as how all this has come to my attention in the last few days. I’d like to believe that if this was my last year, I could say that I’ve run my race…and fulfilled His purpose for my life, but honestly…I don’t think that has happened yet, and I’m bothered by the fact that I don’t think I’m even close. What are your thoughts on this subject and your life in this equation? Peace and blessings.